Sex is everywhere. We all do it. We are sexual creatures, after all.
Well, not all of us.
Some of us are bored by sex. How could anyone be bored of sex? Well, some people just are.
Some of us think about sex but never want to actually do it. How could anyone NOT want to? Well some people just don't.
Some people desire and have sex, commonly referred to as 'sexuals'. Some do not have sexual attraction at all, called 'asexuals'. Some do find sex interesting, in books and movies and the media, but they would never actually have sex. Some do have sex, for physical pleasure alone, called 'aromantic'. There are also some who do have sexual desire, but it takes so long for them to develop their sexual feelings, called 'demisexuals', or they only desire it on a rare occasion, or they desire it only with certain people, or under certain circumstances, called 'gray-A'.
"The Avenites"
There exists a community which has formed to help give answers to these questions of sexuality. They refer to themselves as AVEN[ites] (Asexual Visibility and Education Network), which is a collection of asexual awareness advocates who accept and who promote sexual exploration and respect of a variety of orientations, from the sexual to the asexual, and every dimension in between.
The online forum, commonly referred to as the Asexual Community, is full of curious creatures who explore sexuality, both their own orientation(s) and behavior(s), and who are a lot more knowledgeable and helpful about sex and relationships that you might think. The Asexual Community is very intellectual and empathetic, encouraging of a wide vocabulary of exploratory orientation terms. They question and challenge one another about their true sexual feelings (or lack thereof) with open dialogue and understanding, and cake.
First off, let's explain a few things.
"An asexual is an individual who does not have sexual attraction."
It has nothing to do with whether or not they HAVE sex, but whether or not they DESIRE sex.
It is commonly explained as follows. A Sexual person has this 'itch' that needs to be scratched, called sexual desire; they get sexually aroused and usually engage in some act that reliefs them of their 'itch'. An asexual person does not get this 'itch'.
There are some 'asexual elitists' who think that anyone who has had sex before, or later on, can never be an asexual, but that simply is not true. You can relate it to how there are gay men who have experimented with women, until they later realized that they never actually desired to have sex with those women.
++As a side note, asexuals often joke about being more interested in cake than sex. You will see lots of cake icons in supportive comments, often to the original poster.++
"An asexual can still have sexual feelings, physical sexual pleasure, and even have sex and still be an asexual."
This is tricky because libido, pleasure, and sex is often confused with sexual desire. There are many situations which can prove otherwise, however.
An asexual can think about sex, just like a straight woman can imagine having sex with another woman... but that doesn't mean that they want to.
An asexual can still enjoy being touched sexually, just like a woman can get aroused by riding a horse... but that doesn't mean that they want to.
An asexual can have sex with a sexual partner, just like a straight man can kiss another man during truth or dare... but that doesn't mean they want to.
You see what I'm getting at? Being asexual is mental. It has nothing to do with biology or behavior.
Now, let's define a few terms.
"There is more than one kind of asexual."
In general, here are the most common orientation terms.
Asexual: without sexual desire.
Aromantic: without romantic desire.
Demisexual/Demiromantic: with time comes sexual/romantic desire.
Gray-A: under certain circumstances, does desire occur (an umbrella term for the rest of the spectrum).
All the sexual terms (the list goes on and on) are used by both questioning parties and pure asexual/sexual parties, mostly on themselves but also encouraged to be used on others, and by anyone whom thinks it 'makes sense to do so', according to the AVEN wiki.
You would think that not desiring sex causes a lot of problems in a relationship, and you're right.
"The Sex-Less Relationship"
One of the most controversial and important topics had to do with relationships. Commonly, people come onto the forum because they are interested in learning more about asexuality, how to come out, how to behave in a relationship, and sometimes to ask about other people's experiences. More commonly, people come onto the forum to ask for help about their sex-less relationship. Many sexuals can't imagine having a relationship without sex. It makes sense because the media is saturated with sex, and any relationship without it is looked at with a skeptical eye.
It is typical for hetero marriages to be expected to think about children at some point, which starts with sex. While homo relationships are not expected to have sex as readily, the partners in any relationship are often called 'lovers', which is commonly synonymous with 'sexual'. In some relationships it is very obvious that it revolves around sex, but it gets very tricky when expectations of sex are not met.
Because sexuals are the minority within the AVEN forums, they are celebrated to speak up about their frustrations with an asexual partner.
Most of the posts about a sexual/asexual relationship are outlined the same:
- everything was great until...
- the lack of sex becomes obvious
- the sexual partner gets frustrated
- the asexual partner feels guilty
- ...mercy sex...
- and then a miracle happens!
The magical word 'asexual' finds its way into a web search and the partners find relief by finding out asexuality is a real thing! And that it should be accepted and respected!
Now, most Sexuals are thinking... what do they do instead of sex? From the Asexual Community, there is plenty to do! Without the pressures of a perfect sex life, a whole new set of activities are available. Going out, staying in, activities and conversations of all sorts, friends, family, hobbies and interests, work, school, and play time, and most importantly, all the fascinating times spent together, learning about one another and spending time, energy, and affection on each other.
While in some asexual/sexual relationships the sexual partner replaces their sexual activities with platonic ones, some asexuals will compromise as well. Sometimes the asexual will have a little bit of sex on occasion. Some advice given to these compromises to is make it fun! Use toys or turn on a movie, play naked tag, or naked tickle fights, naked wrestling, or any other games, but naked, have an intellectual conversation, or a silly one, and always have awesome cuddles at the end.
The most important thing that asexuals bring to a relationship, however, is the separation of LOVE from SEX. You can still be intimate without intercourse.
I personally have a fond appreciation for the asexual community. They question sex in as many ways as possible, often helping each other work towards a happy life and happier relationships through communication and acceptance. Within the community and without, they encourage one another to freely express themselves, and offer an open ear, often with clever advice, and cake too.
~abnor
You can discuss sexuality and find more information about asexuality @ asexuality.org
You can also expand your vocabulary and explore with the AVEN Wiki @ asexuality.org/wiki
