See Gender Therapy: Day 000 to learn more about my hormone-induced journey of self discovery.
I HATE talking about my feelings. I've always found it to be a very unsatisfying experience. I reveal something very personal and private about myself only for people to make quick judgements about my situation and slap some advice on my way out the door. I HATE being told how I should be feeling. I HATE being compared to other people. I have these unique feelings because I am a unique human freaking being.
The first reason I'd rather not share my innermost thoughts is because my emotions are rather intense. I am not a shallow person and so the emotional depth of my inner squish is often more than a lot of people are willing to hear. In the process of my mulling through my own problems I consider a great number of things. I freely juggle worst case scenarios and plan out escape routes, prioritize the people in my life and count my resources. I am a survivor, these are things that I do; but it scares people. They are told to avoid thinking and talking about worst-case.
Mind you I always resurface feeling better about the fact that I don't have it as bad as some other people I know, but it's still too much for any peer to analyze in any given short term context. And so I'd much rather not burden them with such a task.
The second reason I don't like telling people how I'm feeling is because emotions are fleeting. That's just how emotions are, but people don't like to hear that. People especially don't like it when you talk about family with anything less than affection. For example if you say to somebody, "I love my children but...", queue nervousness, "sometimes I just want to not have kids." Unless you said it with the certainty of "I need a break", then they will assume you are a bad parent, possibly bipolar. It's as if you're not allowed to hate your kids sometimes. God forbid you talk about your partner that way. As soon as the negative commentary begins people start drawing conclusions about you two splitting up.
People also expect you will always talk about your passion with solid, stable, consistent statements. I find it's acceptable to acknowledge that achieving your dream job will be challenging sometimes, but if you dare utter any more doubt the negativity will be multiplied. An active listener will be thrilled to fuel your uncertainty with their own thoughts about how maybe you shouldn't invest your life into something that gives you such conflicting feelings. Yeah maybe that route isn't for you, but for someone who is much less doubtful. You probably are really passionate about something, and there are probably plenty of people who pursued their passions and doubted the whole way through and still made it, but should you reveal ANY inconsistency about your passions? Well your dreams weren't that great anyway.
Thanks friend. Thanks for understanding.
Now, emotions are fleeting, as emotions are. Having that said, I find we live in a very deterministic society which demands that when we think something we must stick to it or else we are terrible people who can't make up our mind and cannot be trusted with our wishy-washy feelings and indecisive thoughts.
Well, if you really think about the origin of emotions, you'll find that they are different each time because they're supposed to be. If you subscribe to the theory of leftover-instinctual responses from our hunter-gatherer times, you'll find that these emotional responses were important to our survival, and maybe even still are today. Sometimes.
For example if you are in a dangerous situation, getting eaten by a lion or something, it helps to have the feeling of being threatened. Even if you don't know what to do in that situation logically, your body is still alert and ready to move in order to get yourself out from under that hungry lion. That fight-or-flight response is still alive and well in each of us today and is the reason for many different kinds of anxieties. It's definitely a lot harder to analyze those sources of anxiety today but, you get the point.
Similarly if you are alone with no food or water in the middle of winter, it helps that you feel lonely and go out to find other people. Even though with modern day accommodations you can probably fend for yourself and ignore the feeling, but what your body is telling you is to get help. Loneliness is an instinct in a social creature that causes them to seek out others in order to increase their chances of survival. Nifty, huh.
So there you go. I hate talking about emotions because people can't handle me and would rather judge me because of it, but I am willing to defend my own silly little feelings because I feel confident that there is a reason for them, even if it is outdated by a couple ten thousand years.
Speaking of not talking about my emotions, for the past week I have felt very strongly, for long periods of time, and I am not used to it. Instead I am used to my own emotions being much more fleeting. Just as I was getting used to having happy mornings and exhausted nights, with an occasional sad day thrown in between, they go and stick around for a couple days.
The end of last week I've been happy, then angry for three days in the row, and now horny for the start of this week. It's interfering with my relationships because I keep yelling at people and I wonder why they're ticked off. It's bothersome too because I keep having reruns of sex scenes with so-and-so when I'm in class, or at work, or when I'm trying to sleep. It's annoying because once I get on one thought train I can't leave it for the next couple of days. It feels like nothing can shake me from this feeling until something else dramatically pulls me off course and in a different direction. Ugh.
Also I've noticed that I smell and taste much sweeter, and that my voice is ever so slightly higher. Sometimes my face seems very feminine when I catch my reflection. I've also lost weight, but that's probably because I haven't biked in a week and I'm bad about feeding myself sometimes.
I don't like to think about myself and others in such deterministic ways. (See first half of blog post.) I'm used to being an open minded and accepting-everyone-and-everything-around-me kind of person. Is this how all women feel? Intense emotions about something that they can't shake for days?! It's terrible. I don't want to hate the world for long periods of time.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Gender Therapy: Day 001 I feel pretty
See Gender Therapy: Day 000 to learn more about my hormone-induced journey of self discovery.
So yesterday I got my biopsy (they scrapped my cervix and poked into my uterus, yowch!), gave four vials of blood (I just had my period! Seriously!), was paid for my time and given four months of the contraceptive Levora.
First, some summarizing of my first day on hormones. I took them at 11am yesterday morning and have felt slightly different since. Today, I feel pretty. And talkative.
I love interacting with my professors during class, sometimes too much, but today fortunately in Media Ethics we had a discussion about different marketing moral issues, such as guerrilla marketing tactics and behavioral research on consumers, voluntary and otherwise. I was rockin' the show with my side commentary about each one. By the time I got home I was more talkative than my roommates and bugged them from outside their rooms while they were busy doing things. All day I had the tendency to be attracted to my reflection, noticing how round my face is and enjoying the shape of my ass. I then promptly went to bed since I have been getting up and going to bed at ridiculous hours for the past five days. Since then the pretty feeling has worn off, just a bit.
As fun as it is to attribute all of these characteristics to this newfound hormone therapy, I still firmly believe the things you think, feel, and do will always be inside of you. Similar to how people will say things they didn't mean when they are angry, they still feel that way inside, they just don't always have the appropriate context with which to express them. And so, yes I sometimes do feel pretty, probably on days associated with high hormonal levels, and other times I do feel talkative, usually when I have a lot of interesting things going on.
But in the spirit of taking a hormone induced journey of self discovery, I was thinking of letting myself go for a while and blaming it on the hormones. After all, it might cause a lot of unnecessary trouble that I may be able to myself out of (sarcasm). I look forward to the next few months.
~~~~
AND NOW, an analysis of the hormones coursing through my female body.
The contraceptives I was given are Levora, a daily oral birth control method; 0.15mg levonorgestrel and 0.03mg ethinyl estrodiol.
Progestogens, estrogens, androgens, mineralocorticoids and glucocorticoids are the five major steroid hormone groups that occur in every human body naturally.
Levonorgestrel: A progestogen substitute for progesterone, used to inhibit androgen receptors (like testosterone) and ovulation.
Progesterone: naturally occurring in healthy female bodied people, declining levels of progesterone triggers menstruation.
Ethinyl estradiol: An estrogen substitute for estradiol, effectiveness peaks at two hours and peaks again several hours later. Increases blood clotting, and strengthens bones, and is easily inactivated by the liver.
Estradiol: naturally occurring in healthy female bodied people, is the most potent estrogen, predominant during the reproductive years of a woman's life. Estradiol is responsible for puberty and body changes in females, such as breast development, skin composition, bone and joint settling, and fat redistribution. Estradiol also maintains the female reproductive system including the lining of the vagina, cervical glands, endometrium, lining of the fallopian tubes, and the oocytes in the ovaries. Also triggers ovulation.
Levora side effects: Use often leads to spotting because of the daily adjustments of progesterone levels. Inhibition of ovulation means disruption of the menstrual cycle, which means extra blood that is not shed is still in the body, which leads to a higher risk of blood clotting and high blood pressure. Other side effects may include sudden numbness or weakness, tiredness, dizziness, headaches and nausea, changes in weight or appetite, problems with vision, speech, or balance, chest pain or pressure, decrease in sex drive and mood changes.
Side commentary about pregnancy: progestogens and estrogens are produced naturally at steadily increasing levels to maintain pregnancy. Normally within the monthly cycle relatively high levels of progesterone are maintained. However once a month when no eggs are fertilized, progesterone levels drop and the uterine lining is shed. If the egg is fertilized the levels of progesterone (and estrogen) are maintained and the uterine lining is kept, and a zygote can develop.
Taking both a progesterone and estrogen replacement inhibits the natural production of these hormones in my body, which may have an interesting effect all by itself when I am done with this study.
In a woman's natural monthly cycle, estradiol levels average 50pg/mL and peak at 200pg/mL.
And now for a chart!
Fun fact 1: Levonorgestrel used at dosages of 1.5mg is an effective post-conception birth control method up to three days after unprotected sex, called Plan B.
Fun fact 2: Ethinyl estradiol was created in 1938, approved by the FDA (Federal Drug Administration) in 1943, and marketed as Estinyl until 2004.
Fun fact 3: The naturally occurring estradiol levels of men (14-55 pg/mL) and postmenopausal women (35 pg/mL) are about the same.
Fun fact 4: Both levonorgestrel and ethinyl estradiol are just some of many hormones choices that can be used for hormone replacement therapy (HRT) in both older women going through menopause and for transexual women (in higher doses if not used with antiandrogens).
Fun fact 5: Estriol is the most important estrogen in pregnant women while estrone is the most important in postmenopausal women.
I feel pretty, oh so pretty
I feel pretty, and witty, and GAY
So yesterday I got my biopsy (they scrapped my cervix and poked into my uterus, yowch!), gave four vials of blood (I just had my period! Seriously!), was paid for my time and given four months of the contraceptive Levora.
First, some summarizing of my first day on hormones. I took them at 11am yesterday morning and have felt slightly different since. Today, I feel pretty. And talkative.
I love interacting with my professors during class, sometimes too much, but today fortunately in Media Ethics we had a discussion about different marketing moral issues, such as guerrilla marketing tactics and behavioral research on consumers, voluntary and otherwise. I was rockin' the show with my side commentary about each one. By the time I got home I was more talkative than my roommates and bugged them from outside their rooms while they were busy doing things. All day I had the tendency to be attracted to my reflection, noticing how round my face is and enjoying the shape of my ass. I then promptly went to bed since I have been getting up and going to bed at ridiculous hours for the past five days. Since then the pretty feeling has worn off, just a bit.
As fun as it is to attribute all of these characteristics to this newfound hormone therapy, I still firmly believe the things you think, feel, and do will always be inside of you. Similar to how people will say things they didn't mean when they are angry, they still feel that way inside, they just don't always have the appropriate context with which to express them. And so, yes I sometimes do feel pretty, probably on days associated with high hormonal levels, and other times I do feel talkative, usually when I have a lot of interesting things going on.
But in the spirit of taking a hormone induced journey of self discovery, I was thinking of letting myself go for a while and blaming it on the hormones. After all, it might cause a lot of unnecessary trouble that I may be able to myself out of (sarcasm). I look forward to the next few months.
~~~~
AND NOW, an analysis of the hormones coursing through my female body.
The contraceptives I was given are Levora, a daily oral birth control method; 0.15mg levonorgestrel and 0.03mg ethinyl estrodiol.
Progestogens, estrogens, androgens, mineralocorticoids and glucocorticoids are the five major steroid hormone groups that occur in every human body naturally.
Levonorgestrel: A progestogen substitute for progesterone, used to inhibit androgen receptors (like testosterone) and ovulation.
Progesterone: naturally occurring in healthy female bodied people, declining levels of progesterone triggers menstruation.
Ethinyl estradiol: An estrogen substitute for estradiol, effectiveness peaks at two hours and peaks again several hours later. Increases blood clotting, and strengthens bones, and is easily inactivated by the liver.
Estradiol: naturally occurring in healthy female bodied people, is the most potent estrogen, predominant during the reproductive years of a woman's life. Estradiol is responsible for puberty and body changes in females, such as breast development, skin composition, bone and joint settling, and fat redistribution. Estradiol also maintains the female reproductive system including the lining of the vagina, cervical glands, endometrium, lining of the fallopian tubes, and the oocytes in the ovaries. Also triggers ovulation.
Levora side effects: Use often leads to spotting because of the daily adjustments of progesterone levels. Inhibition of ovulation means disruption of the menstrual cycle, which means extra blood that is not shed is still in the body, which leads to a higher risk of blood clotting and high blood pressure. Other side effects may include sudden numbness or weakness, tiredness, dizziness, headaches and nausea, changes in weight or appetite, problems with vision, speech, or balance, chest pain or pressure, decrease in sex drive and mood changes.
Side commentary about pregnancy: progestogens and estrogens are produced naturally at steadily increasing levels to maintain pregnancy. Normally within the monthly cycle relatively high levels of progesterone are maintained. However once a month when no eggs are fertilized, progesterone levels drop and the uterine lining is shed. If the egg is fertilized the levels of progesterone (and estrogen) are maintained and the uterine lining is kept, and a zygote can develop.
Taking both a progesterone and estrogen replacement inhibits the natural production of these hormones in my body, which may have an interesting effect all by itself when I am done with this study.
In a woman's natural monthly cycle, estradiol levels average 50pg/mL and peak at 200pg/mL.
And now for a chart!
Fun fact 1: Levonorgestrel used at dosages of 1.5mg is an effective post-conception birth control method up to three days after unprotected sex, called Plan B.
Fun fact 2: Ethinyl estradiol was created in 1938, approved by the FDA (Federal Drug Administration) in 1943, and marketed as Estinyl until 2004.
Fun fact 3: The naturally occurring estradiol levels of men (14-55 pg/mL) and postmenopausal women (35 pg/mL) are about the same.
Fun fact 4: Both levonorgestrel and ethinyl estradiol are just some of many hormones choices that can be used for hormone replacement therapy (HRT) in both older women going through menopause and for transexual women (in higher doses if not used with antiandrogens).
Fun fact 5: Estriol is the most important estrogen in pregnant women while estrone is the most important in postmenopausal women.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Gender Roles and Relationships
See Gender Therapy: Day 000 to learn more about my hormone-induced journey of self discovery.
Gender Therapy: Day 000
~~~
First a disclaimer: Traditional male and female roles are becoming a thing of the past, however I will be openly acknowledging the existence of such roles on a case-by-case basis. I do not expect every relationship to have a man and a woman, or 'top' and a 'bottom'. Not my cup of tea.
~~~
I have been single for a couple of years now and I sometimes wonder why. I have on and off been actively seeking a non-hetero-male partner, but the ladies whom shared coffee and museums with never seemed to click with me, and I haven't yet run into any trans* folk I found attractive, in more than one way. My criterion is pretty simple, someone I find physically attractive and also mentally stimulating, who can make time at least once a week to visit with. (The rest we can figure out later.) However not all three of these traits have yet been found in the same person.
I often reflect on my past experiences, those with heteronormative males, and I found that the biggest flaw in each one was the(ir) social expectations of me as a female. I never felt feminine therefore I did not act feminine, speak feminine, think feminine, and rarely had I ever dressed feminine. The only feminine trait is that I do have curves and genitals and all that. Oh, and I like shoes.
My ex-boyfriends had all taken on the male role, which I always felt uncomfortable about because I enjoyed being the one to plan dates, pay for outings, initiate intimacy, and all other predominantly male roles. However they had expected me to accept and enjoy their date suggestions, accept their payment for outings, submit to their intimacy initiations in addition to dressing pretty, or sexy, regularly, and all other predominantly female roles. I felt these expectations on me were always very uncomfortable and I always 'made them look bad' in front of their parents and peers. I can say with confidence that this discomfort contributed to all of the breakups. I never felt like myself.
The limited experiences I did have with hetero-women I found much more comfortable in because they had let me be 'the man' in some way or another. I enjoyed initiating, I enjoyed paying for dates, and I enjoyed being the listener instead of the talker, especially when my limited words were seen as validating.
Lately I have been thinking about my fellow female friend's experiences with women whom she did not necessarily get along with. Before long I had begun wondering if they didn't work because of confused gender roles, for example if they were both attempting the female role and if the male role was neglected, if they spoke over one another and didn't listen to each other, or if there was just too much possessive (if not clingy) behavior that made the relationship miserable. I wish not to pass judgement on my dear friend but these are things that I like to ponder.
The idea that all relationships must have a top and a bottom is absurd, but I do know that the best relationships are the ones where the individuals are both similar and compatible, but different enough and accommodating. The fact that I have not yet had a relationship where I felt I could really be myself, that is, the undefined queer that I am, is concerning to me and makes me feel like I have never met someone who was willing to accommodate me. After all, at the end of the day, you want to feel like you are accepted by and belong with the person you sleep next to.
In the end it makes me feel like if only I would subscribe to a gender role it would be easier to date me me (or for me to date), because then I would have a clear set of expectations I could conform to and thus satisfy the social expectations of a relationship. At least, this logic makes sense based on my past experiences with relationships.
Gender Therapy: Day 000
~~~
First a disclaimer: Traditional male and female roles are becoming a thing of the past, however I will be openly acknowledging the existence of such roles on a case-by-case basis. I do not expect every relationship to have a man and a woman, or 'top' and a 'bottom'. Not my cup of tea.
~~~
I have been single for a couple of years now and I sometimes wonder why. I have on and off been actively seeking a non-hetero-male partner, but the ladies whom shared coffee and museums with never seemed to click with me, and I haven't yet run into any trans* folk I found attractive, in more than one way. My criterion is pretty simple, someone I find physically attractive and also mentally stimulating, who can make time at least once a week to visit with. (The rest we can figure out later.) However not all three of these traits have yet been found in the same person.
I often reflect on my past experiences, those with heteronormative males, and I found that the biggest flaw in each one was the(ir) social expectations of me as a female. I never felt feminine therefore I did not act feminine, speak feminine, think feminine, and rarely had I ever dressed feminine. The only feminine trait is that I do have curves and genitals and all that. Oh, and I like shoes.
My ex-boyfriends had all taken on the male role, which I always felt uncomfortable about because I enjoyed being the one to plan dates, pay for outings, initiate intimacy, and all other predominantly male roles. However they had expected me to accept and enjoy their date suggestions, accept their payment for outings, submit to their intimacy initiations in addition to dressing pretty, or sexy, regularly, and all other predominantly female roles. I felt these expectations on me were always very uncomfortable and I always 'made them look bad' in front of their parents and peers. I can say with confidence that this discomfort contributed to all of the breakups. I never felt like myself.
The limited experiences I did have with hetero-women I found much more comfortable in because they had let me be 'the man' in some way or another. I enjoyed initiating, I enjoyed paying for dates, and I enjoyed being the listener instead of the talker, especially when my limited words were seen as validating.
Lately I have been thinking about my fellow female friend's experiences with women whom she did not necessarily get along with. Before long I had begun wondering if they didn't work because of confused gender roles, for example if they were both attempting the female role and if the male role was neglected, if they spoke over one another and didn't listen to each other, or if there was just too much possessive (if not clingy) behavior that made the relationship miserable. I wish not to pass judgement on my dear friend but these are things that I like to ponder.
The idea that all relationships must have a top and a bottom is absurd, but I do know that the best relationships are the ones where the individuals are both similar and compatible, but different enough and accommodating. The fact that I have not yet had a relationship where I felt I could really be myself, that is, the undefined queer that I am, is concerning to me and makes me feel like I have never met someone who was willing to accommodate me. After all, at the end of the day, you want to feel like you are accepted by and belong with the person you sleep next to.
In the end it makes me feel like if only I would subscribe to a gender role it would be easier to date me me (or for me to date), because then I would have a clear set of expectations I could conform to and thus satisfy the social expectations of a relationship. At least, this logic makes sense based on my past experiences with relationships.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)