See Drug Trip Introduction to learn more about my medically-induced journey of self-discovery.
Today I took my first two half doses of Amphetamine Salts (10mg). It's greatly helped me to focus and clear up my bookmarks a bit, in addition to go through my emails and just in general be very productive. I also succeeded to host my usual radio show without error, I rode my bike to the station in record time, I played a very involved strategy game with someone super smart and was very close to winning, I was able to have an intense conversation and stay on topic without interrupting, and I was able to write this blog post in less than an hour.
It was interesting to have had a different result to the things I do on a regular basis. It felt strange, but freeing to have been able to accomplish tasks quickly, easily, efficiently, and ultimately to have been able to stay on task for hours on end. My performance on each task definitely was much better than without medication, from a utilitarian point of view. It was like I was able to tame a wild horse.
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| This is my brain. |
It feels really great to have control of my own concentration, like riding a very loyal broken-in horse instead of trying to wrestle with a rambunctious wild horse. Don't get me wrong, I like my wild horse brain. It is quick and spirited and creative, reckless at best and amusing at worst, but it is nice to be able to lead my horse in the direction I want to go, instead of just constantly celebrating and entertaining itself at its own existence.
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| This is my brain on drugs. |
The few things I did notice were that while my super smart horse brain was able to be lead to work very efficiently, I was not as creative as I usually am. I didn't do anything accidentally awesome during my radio show, I didn't do anything recklessly wonderful during my strategy game, I didn't get distracted while looking at bookmarks and follow the trail onto something new and exciting, and my bike ride wasn't as thrilling as it usually is.
My brain did a very subtle change from stimulating to mundane in that regard and it was something I really had to analyze to notice happening. While my roommates noticed my speech was quicker and my body moved more energetically (because basically Amphetamine is a stimulant), I also noticed how frighteningly unraveled my mind became when the medication began to wear off. I very quickly had to focus extra hard at keeping up with conversation, with putting away dishes, and with finishing up this article before bed.
Quite frankly, it was a little distressing to know how out of control my brain felt while coming off of the Amphetamine high. I felt, for the first time in years, that I didn't
actually have control of myself, and that I felt the urge to take a pill to calm down my horse brain. I felt twangs of longing for a simpler existence, one where I didn't have to take medication in order to keep myself on task or to use up a lot of mental energy just to isolate myself from my own distractions.
Anyway, before I get too emotional, I wanted to make a list of the different situations I am interested in trying out while under the influence of medication over the next two weeks, situations where normally my concentration would bring about one result (disruption in some regards), while I hypothesize that medication may bring about different results (more focus). I want to try out:
-having sex with one or more of my partners
-finishing writing a large piece (several pages to perhaps a book) in a week
-go through (an entire) list of phone calls in a day
-read a boring book, several days in a row
-studying a language for more than one or two days in a row
-properly organize my physical papers
-attempt to properly organize my (thousands of) virtual papers over multiple days
-go to a party (or event) full of strangers
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| Just think of the possibilities. |
While I am having fun using this drug and thinking of situations to use it in, I am concerned that I will create a tolerance and dependence to it. It is after all a highly addictive (and popular) drug and I can completely see why, but I would prefer to elongate the effectiveness of the drug without wanting to use it in every situation of my every day life.
Often times I heard anecdotal evidence of people losing themselves to these kinds of drugs. I have heard reports of people feeling less creative, less responsive, and ultimately feeling like a zombie. These forms of Amphetamine were long term as opposed to the short term medication I am experimenting with however and many of these reports are from adults remembering their childhood nightmares every time I say the word "Amphetamine". In the end I don't want to become more productive at the expensive of my personality, my imagination, and my autonomy. I want to use this drug for short term reasons, such as chomping through my to-do list and studying my interests on my own time. While I don't feel like I could possibly do that effectively on my own, I also don't want to become chemically dependent on a pill.
