It is 3:30 in the morning and I am still reeling from my first day taking stimulants. I'm pretty sure my doctor told me not to take them after noon. Or maybe five pm. I mean I woke up at noon so maybe this is just my regular sleep schedule right now.
I have a mild head throb and my heart is still pretty darn active. I'm pretty sure that second one isn't normal. I want to call what I am going through right now insomnia, but then I am pretty used to it by now. Having cyclothymia my brain decides to be manic or depressive pretty much whenever it wants. Usually I can tell when I am manic by the fact that I usually miss a night of sleep and don't have much of an appetite. But that also happens when I haven't exercised very much in a few days. Also I still have stimulants in my body so it's hard to tell what is going on with me right now.
I have gotten used to just letting my brain do whatever it wants and instead focusing on controlling my behavior. I can feel as high or as low as I want but I better not go out and hurt other peoples' feelings or trouble them with my internal emotional confusion. I might not be very hungry but I better damn eat when I wake up and before I go to bed. My brain isn't very tired but I am going to throw myself in bed at a reasonable time anyway and stay up for three hours thinking about all the respond texts I really should be writing. It's like taking care of a child but a little less physically tiring because I am one body instead of two. Equally emotionally demanding however.
It's really not a big deal though. Like I said I am used to it by now. What ever abuse my brain decides to put my body through I am still going to carry on and take care of myself. I've got shit to do if I want to ensure I have a pleasant existence. You know, keeping up with friends and having a stable source of income, planning grand escapades into that fascinating world out there and diving into the treasure troves of knowledge at my fingertips just hiding under my bed and on my mantle or desk or wherever I left my tablet last.
~~~
I woke up at one in the afternoon, my heart still very active. I don't really like that. I woke up almost instantly. I wasn't drowsy at all. I didn't wake up slowly. I like waking up slowly sometimes. I don't have any reason to be urgent today, why wake up so fast? Maybe that would be nice on days where I have an appointment. I feel resistant to taking my medication today, but I am going to do it anyway... FOR SCIENCE.
I am taking my firsts half dose (1/2 of 10mg) now. I don't have razor blades to cut the tablet so I use a huge pocket knife instead, because that's not excessive, hah. The little tablet is blue and it tastes very sugary. The inactive ingredients are pretty much blue dye and sugar. It only takes about 15 minutes for it to kick it. It is recommended I drink water with it but not anything citrusy because that could cause the tablet to degrade quicker? Or something? Let's see how fast I get ready for the day.
Well, it took me ten minutes instead of twenty. I don't have much of an appetite though. I ate all of one hard boiled egg and a small juice box. It's nice being able to concentrate though. It takes me less than a second to redirect my brain or remember something I just forgot or got distracted from instead of the usual five seconds of having to retrace my brain thoughts to come up with the same idea.
~~~
I did more bookmark cleanup and succeeded to begin studying for the FSOT today. I also managed to make it through my list of phone calls and somehow didn't get too overwhelmed when I could only leave messages. My research on some of the things I had to take care of in the process of phone calling was quite quick and concise and I found that I wasn't lead astray by interesting advertisements onto other sites or articles. I also found that while I did get bored easily with studying it was easy to redirect my attention back to the material within about three seconds. I guess boredom is not something that can be overcome with concentration drugs.
Later in the day I took my second half dose (1/2 of 10mg) and biked to the TV station I volunteer at and found that my speed was very fast. I don't know how fast exactly but I arrived in record time. Again, I wasn't as reckless and fun as I usually am but my experience biking made me think about why athletes would want to use stimulants during training or during a competition (though I'm sure they're banned for doing so). It just made me feel very strong and capable to be flying through the streets without cars feeling the need to pass me (because I'm going too damn fast).
With my heart being forced to beat faster my blood was able to deliver oxygen and nutrients to my body parts very quickly allowing them to work faster and harder. My reflexes and general performance while on stimulants are excellent, really quite impressive. I felt like I was on speed and also began to wonder how all of this affects my cardio health. Would forcing my heart to artificially work faster, more often, strengthen it and cause it to degrade faster? If I forced it to work harder through more "natural" forms, such as training and exercise, would that strengthen it or degrade it?
My meds began to wear off during the show I ran but I was still able to keep attention for a while. I had to drive a friend home from work pretty late in the day and on my ride to their house my attention was good, my driving smooth (except for the potholes), and I noticed a markedly less than optimal performance driving on my way back, the artificial chemicals in my brain no longer as potent. I passed a bus and almost ran into an ambulance, yikes!
My body is still pumping and my heart doesn't know what to do with itself. While I am on stimulants I feel quite great, capable and sophisticated, strong and focused. I feel the need to put myself to work in order to best utilize my temporary state of heightened arousal. I can understand why a person would simply feel anxious if they were required to take the extended release Amphetamines because at some point during the day they would want to just relax, but their body would just be pumped, almost vibrating.
Normally without drugs I get really depressed when I am bored. With drugs I feel very anxious without having anything to do. So far the only downside to this drug is the amount of mental effort it takes to get myself to take the drug (I tend to be anti-drug, for the most part), and the unraveling feeling I get when I am coming off of them, in addition to the irregular circulation my body seems to be doing when I am just sitting around. Also when your body is gyrating and wants to be put to work, it stinks when you run out of things to work on.
I woke up at one in the afternoon, my heart still very active. I don't really like that. I woke up almost instantly. I wasn't drowsy at all. I didn't wake up slowly. I like waking up slowly sometimes. I don't have any reason to be urgent today, why wake up so fast? Maybe that would be nice on days where I have an appointment. I feel resistant to taking my medication today, but I am going to do it anyway... FOR SCIENCE.
I am taking my firsts half dose (1/2 of 10mg) now. I don't have razor blades to cut the tablet so I use a huge pocket knife instead, because that's not excessive, hah. The little tablet is blue and it tastes very sugary. The inactive ingredients are pretty much blue dye and sugar. It only takes about 15 minutes for it to kick it. It is recommended I drink water with it but not anything citrusy because that could cause the tablet to degrade quicker? Or something? Let's see how fast I get ready for the day.
Well, it took me ten minutes instead of twenty. I don't have much of an appetite though. I ate all of one hard boiled egg and a small juice box. It's nice being able to concentrate though. It takes me less than a second to redirect my brain or remember something I just forgot or got distracted from instead of the usual five seconds of having to retrace my brain thoughts to come up with the same idea.
~~~
I did more bookmark cleanup and succeeded to begin studying for the FSOT today. I also managed to make it through my list of phone calls and somehow didn't get too overwhelmed when I could only leave messages. My research on some of the things I had to take care of in the process of phone calling was quite quick and concise and I found that I wasn't lead astray by interesting advertisements onto other sites or articles. I also found that while I did get bored easily with studying it was easy to redirect my attention back to the material within about three seconds. I guess boredom is not something that can be overcome with concentration drugs.
Later in the day I took my second half dose (1/2 of 10mg) and biked to the TV station I volunteer at and found that my speed was very fast. I don't know how fast exactly but I arrived in record time. Again, I wasn't as reckless and fun as I usually am but my experience biking made me think about why athletes would want to use stimulants during training or during a competition (though I'm sure they're banned for doing so). It just made me feel very strong and capable to be flying through the streets without cars feeling the need to pass me (because I'm going too damn fast).
 |
| I almost feel, limitless. |
My meds began to wear off during the show I ran but I was still able to keep attention for a while. I had to drive a friend home from work pretty late in the day and on my ride to their house my attention was good, my driving smooth (except for the potholes), and I noticed a markedly less than optimal performance driving on my way back, the artificial chemicals in my brain no longer as potent. I passed a bus and almost ran into an ambulance, yikes!
My body is still pumping and my heart doesn't know what to do with itself. While I am on stimulants I feel quite great, capable and sophisticated, strong and focused. I feel the need to put myself to work in order to best utilize my temporary state of heightened arousal. I can understand why a person would simply feel anxious if they were required to take the extended release Amphetamines because at some point during the day they would want to just relax, but their body would just be pumped, almost vibrating.
Normally without drugs I get really depressed when I am bored. With drugs I feel very anxious without having anything to do. So far the only downside to this drug is the amount of mental effort it takes to get myself to take the drug (I tend to be anti-drug, for the most part), and the unraveling feeling I get when I am coming off of them, in addition to the irregular circulation my body seems to be doing when I am just sitting around. Also when your body is gyrating and wants to be put to work, it stinks when you run out of things to work on.
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