Unwritten Rules of Gender Part 2: Behavior and Communication

Gender Therapy Day: 199

See Gender Therapy: Day 000 to learn more about my hormone-induced journey of self discovery. 

"When a man focuses on the content level of meaning after a woman has disclosed a problem, she may feel he is disregarding her emotions and concerns. He, on the other hand, may well be trying to support her in the way that he has learned to show support – suggesting ways to solve the problem." (source)

Unwritten Rules of Gender Part 2: Behavior and Communication.

See Unwritten Rules of Gender Part 1 to hear about Identity.

I have been meaning to write about gender and communication for months now and finally I feel like I have the words with which to articulate how complicated communication can be in regards to gender.

For the past few months I have had trouble communicating with my roommate. With the addition of a new sublet our relationship began to deteriorate. What I thought I was observing was her crumbling under the stress of a new, incompatible personality into her intimate space, and that I was attempting to be helpful by offering suggestions. In reality it was me not validating her during this experience, which was stressing her out more than the original stressor of having a new roommate. All she wanted all this time was for her experience to be acknowledged and for her efforts to be appreciated, and all I did was make her feel like I was blaming her for the whole situation.

In short: I'm not very good at validation, and I am pushy about my advice.

We broke down and had a successful heart-to-heart last night thanks to her having suggested I look into reading about "non-violent communication". After a few weeks of practicing the structure and looking for key words which reveal someone's emotional state, I ended up learning how very, very incompatible my own natural communication style is with other people, specifically females. (Not to be stereotypical, but gendered communication is ingrained in us. Read on, I promise it gets better.)

All my life I have been a very confident, fearless individual. I spoke my mind and used direct language. Growing up I was my mother's "star child" and she and other adults fed me innumerable cliches about how I will accomplish much in life and how I will go far and wide. My ambitions and strong traits were encouraged at home and also at school.

At the same time my superiors found me obnoxious, inappropriate, and lacking common sense. I wasn't the average heteronormative, Christian, middle class kid, and my problems were assumed to be associated with poverty, or a high intellect. I didn't have mentors who could show me the ropes or guide me and correct my behavior. All anybody saw of me was an ambitious young person who shouldn't be discouraged or distracted from my goals. They figured it would be my lack of monetary resources that would hold me back in life, not my shitty interpersonal skills.

I somehow navigated my way out of childhood with a sort of clumsy method of communication that emphasized a concise and business-oriented style. With my confidence I was mistaken for a leader and was encouraged to pursue leadership positions. Unfortunately my boldness was not always helpful in resolving conflict or connecting with club members. In many situations people thought I was heartless and out of touch. When told not to listen to naysayers I learned to blame others for their inability to communicate with me instead of looking at myself critically or recognizing my bad traits. My peers no longer trusted me to empathize with them or to be a diplomatic representative of their cause. I was an individualist, a freelancer, a drifter, and alone.

Because of this I tumbled out into the world as an adolescent largely misunderstood and left out of intimate conversations. What I found however, was that I was great at networking and establishing shallow relationships. Very solution-oriented, I listened to problems and offered solutions. I suggested ideas in groups and mingled with a variety of successful people. I succeeded to land jobs and internships, all based on a good first impression.

I think this has a lot to do with gender because professional communication in this society is based on male speech patterns and I had met that basic standard. I identified more and more with men and their personalities that over time I described my personality and presented myself as more "masculine", and it worked. I recognized that I had a very male-oriented way of thinking and interaction.

The typical male's style of communication in the society I live in is described as being utilitarian, geared towards accomplishing objectives and getting to the point of the conversation. Men interact with the intention of maintaining their status and controlling themselves. The communication style is more direct, interruptions are not uncommon, and examples are used in general terms. Feedback is not always necessary and emotional responses are often inappropriate. If another man is asked for advice this raises their status. In bullet format:

	status and control – give advice
	instrumentality – the use of speech to accomplish objectives (discover facts, get information, and suggest solutions)
	conversational command – men tend to talk more and at greater length than women (in most circumstances)
	men are more likely to interrupt to exert control than women
	direct and assertive
	more abstract than feminine speech (men often speak in general terms that are removed from concrete experiences and distanced from personal feelings)
	less emotionally responsive than feminine speech patterns (men, more often than women, give minimal response cues)

These and heteronormative styles of gendered communication can be found here. (Disclaimer: Not all masculine identified individuals match these styles of communication. While heterosexuals and the associated binary culture are common, they are no longer the norm. The standards and definition of masculinity are changing dramatically.)

This whole list typifies my communication style almost perfectly, which further enforces my longing for being recognized as masculine and for transitioning. However this list does nothing for me when I am perceived as female and thus expected to interact in a very different manner. All I succeed to do is confuse people. I seem "antisocial", "awkward", "aggressive", "uncultured", and "intimidating". I am a "weird girl", and not to be trusted. It hurts my relationship building skills with heterosexual men I wish to befriend and interested women I wish to pursue.

As a child I can see when these patterns were being formed. In elementary school I was annoying and energetic. I was a big kid, smart and quick and reckless, but I didn't listen very closely to "no" and "stop" and ended up accidentally hurting others. That was okay with the boys, but the girls thought I was aggressive and avoided me.

Because of this I was never properly socialized as a girl. I didn't get the chance to develop my feminine social skills, and I was lost when it came time for me to grow up and be a woman. I knew I was very different from other girls, but they rejected me, and I resented that.

At some point I regarded their motives and social activities as stupid and pointless. Uncomfortable clothing, expensive accessories, lengthy sessions in front of mirrors, for what? To enhance your appearance to attract boys? Emotional, lengthy conversations, for what? To strengthen relationships with equally annoying girls?

In my childhood I didn't have examples of successful women, only overly sexualized and emotionally unstable stereotypes. I didn't see women in heterosexual relationships who had ambitious goals outside of family building. I concluded that if this was what femininity was about, then to hell with being a sexual object! I wanted nothing to do with female culture! (Mind you this was my childhood experience and not representative of my educated opinions or later experiences. I know there are heterosexual, feminine women leaders and professional mothers in real life.)

I gave up on fitting it. I just focused on being myself and establishing myself in the professional world. I didn't focus on gender but instead carved out respect with my assertive communication style. I rejected and corrected people's expectations of me based on my assumed gender and pushed forward. Mastering being an emotional creature was not important to meeting my goals and I thought feminine speech patterns inhibited me in the professional world.

Unfortunately in the world of interpersonal communication my masculine pattern of communication only continued to make it difficult to establish relationships. In recent years women still don't feel comfortable around me. I am often very concise in my verbage and don't connect with them on a deep level. This is a major source of frustration for me when it comes to making friends and having relationships. It's difficult enough to find women who get along with me, but more so women who are interested in me.

Sometimes men who approach me find my communication style brutal and clumsy, but I usually have an easier time diving into a conversation and establishing a friendship. Unfortunately often times I can't be too close or they fall for me. In my adolescence these relationships were mistaken for romance. Only recently did I realize this was a problem in communication and not a problem with me.

Looking at myself now I feel like there is a large chasm of communication skills that I need to fill. People to this day regard me as tactless. While that helps point out that there is something wrong, this tells me nothing about what I should be working on, or how to go about it, or which ways are correct and appropriate, and which ways are offensive and disrespectful.

With a sense of desperation and drudgery I turned to my gender therapist with the "non-violent communication" material my roommate suggested I read about. They then gave me a worksheet to practice and I've been on it for weeks. Practicing the conversation structure and looking for key words as to how others express themselves. Ultimately it comes down to listening passionately to what is being said and to look for opportunities to contribute.

Speaking with my roommate with compassion and understanding for the first time in months I recognized that this pattern of communication works and makes people comfortable. It gives them the space they need to articulate themselves. These patterns are also similar to feminine styles of communication, which makes sense that it is something I have to practice and which does not come naturally to me. It was also something that was unattractive to me in childhood, but something that I need to work on, now more than ever.

For women, communication is crucial for building relationships. It is the basic method through which they maintain relationships and it is means for sharing information about themselves to understand one another. It is also vitally important in relating to one another, comforting one another, and empathizing. Having personal anecdotes in discussion implies credibility and mastery. Being responsive is very important in conversation as is maintaining eye contact and encouraging each other to extend the conversation is a sign of acceptance and builds deep connections. In bullet format:

	show support for others. Communicators often express feelings of sympathy and understanding. The relationship level of talk focuses on feelings and on the relationship between the communicators rather than the content of the message.
	questions that probe for greater understanding of feelings and perceptions surrounding the subject of the talk
	maintenance work” which involves efforts to sustain conversation by inviting others to speak
	responsiveness (eye contact, nod or say, “tell me more” or “that’s interesting.”)
	a concrete, real style (details, personal disclosures)
	tentativeness (tentative communication leaves the door open for others to respond)

From the same website above. (Disclaimer: Ideally communication is the key to all relationships, regardless of gender. While it is common for feminine identifying individuals to develop unique communication styles specifically to empathize and maintain relationships, not all women communicate in the same way or for the same reasons. The standards and definition of femininity are changing dramatically.)

What I have learned through studying non-violent communication is my communication style is largely incompatible with most women, and also with many men. My communication style has always been based on content when instead I should be focused on context. Instead of using conversation as a form of entertainment or a tool for productivity, I should instead use it as a way to learn about other people and build relationships.

Not every conversation I will have with someone needs to have a topic and a well endowed range of information. Not every person is looking for my expertise on a subject or cares to hear my advice stacked with statistics. Sometimes when people come to me they are seeking to vent and want to hear validation. Sometimes they just want to be heard and understood and have their existence recognized.

If I were seeking to establish a connection with someone I could contribute something interesting and encourage them to speak more about themselves. I could ask about them and be more responsive to their stories. I could be more supportive of their ideas instead of critical. I could stop suggesting expansive new paradigms and start listening to their own unique development. I could stop psychoanalyzing them and just listen to their own perspective of themselves and their lives.

I have always had a long-term plan for my life, and often relentlessly pursue opportunities for advancement, but in the long-term relationships are arguably the most important aspect of building a satisfying life. No matter how engaging of a task I am completing or how amazing a career I have, if I can't develop fulfilling relationships I will only feel lonely and empty in life.

Am I getting a little too existentialist here? My point is that I stink at communication sometimes, which means I stink worse at relationships, and that in order to be myself I need to be less focused on being masculine and more focused on learning how to communicate with other people, of all sexes.

Gender Therapy: Day 194 Golden Star Lesbians

See Gender Therapy: Day 000 to learn more about my hormone-induced journey of self discovery. 

Yesterday marked the date of my last visit to the clinic for my hormonal birth control research shtick. I gave four vials of blood, my last three month's worth of sexual history, and two samples of my cervix. They also tried to collect a sample of my endometrium (read: uterus) but failed to and I asked them to stop trying. Apparently the lining of my uterus thins as being on hormonal birth control prevents one from being pregnant while their body thinks they're already pregnant. However their attempt was exceptionally painful and put me into shock, as it did the previous two times.

I don't think painful gives the experience enough justice. It was a feeling of violation and then all of a sudden the instrument inside of you bites you and your muscles spasm into a cramp and you close your legs and turn white and nearly faint because ouch. Just short of traumatic.

Anyway, it was intense and I don't want to do that ever again; for the same reason I don't want to give bone marrow. I love helping other people but not at the risk of my own physical health and autonomy. Not even for painful seconds worth of torture. I'm not that kind of person.

So I gave my samples, got paid and got the hell out of there. The moments passed quickly, I was out in under two hours instead of the usual four. I treated myself to some Chinese food before work and then I recounted how I told them I hadn't had sex in over a month. The last time I did, it was wonderful and beautiful but I was thinking about somebody else.

About a month ago I succeeded to have a date with a beautiful older women. I thought about her for days on end. Then she stopped talking to me and I freaked and felt insecure about all the things I am not and all the people I don't have in my life and all the judgement I have ever received about my sexuality. Well no wonder I'm not getring laid. Who wants to have sex with an emotionally insecure spazz?

The weeks following my usual cuddle buddy had more important things to do than to invite me over for a few hours of distracting escapism. They are in the middle of moving forward with major life changes and need to focus on themselves and the things that they need. At first it hurt to feel like I wasn't as important, but at the same time I too need to change things up and move forward with my life. I want to find a romantic partner, someone I can build a life together with instead of escape life together with. 

Actually it felt more like losing a best friend. That's harder to deal with, but I need more friends anyway. I am a lot more mentally active in the spring and summer than one person can handle.

Somewhere during that month I talked about wanting to be abstinent again and about how liberating it was to not think of myself as a sexual creature who needs sex to be healthy or happy. They didn't believe me at first but that's definitely what happened over time. I also spoke about my dating experience with a "golden star" lesbian and they succeeded in challenging my sexuality by calling me a "cardboard star" lesbian because of my history with guys.

"Golden star" lesbian is the title given to a lesbian woman who has never has sex with a man. It is a rare occurrence and they hold onto this title with a sense of accomplishment and pride. However, thinking critically about it, the whole "golden star" lesbian superiority complex is incredibly sexist. There are groups of lesbian women who are misandrists who hate men, sure, but there are also groups of lesbians who judge an rank other lesbians for their past, and sometimes even present.

The title of a "golden star" lesbian disqualifies anyone who has touched men or identifies as a man. It disqualifies lesbians who once identified as bisexual, lesbians who once identified as straight, sexual assault victims, anyone who has or once had male genitalia or who identifies or once identified as a man, such as trans* people, and it also disqualifies partners of trans* people.

Basically this concept enforces the ideal standard of a lesbian as being a biological female who has never been sexual with a man. That is extremely sexist! When asked why they never tried, they might say, "Ew! No Way! Dicks are gross!" However it doesn't matter how raunchy the women they have slept with could have been. The lesbian who has had sex with drunken women with caked on makeup who puked all over themselves and couldn't utilize their bowels in a clean manner could be a "golden star", but the woman who once touched a wiener in college is not eligible? Also the first scenario is gross. 

What is wrong with having sex with men? Why are they so "icky"? Why are they somehow less sexually desirable? Why is it wrong to find them sexually desirable?

Why can a woman have sex with as many women as they want but not a man? In fact this sort of discrimination applies to men too. Bisexual men are looked down upon, and gay men too, because having sex with men is "icky". Why can a man have sex with as many woman as they want but not another man? Women are looked down upon as well when they have sex with men, such as before marriage, or when they get divorced, or when they have sex with more than one man. Why can a straight women "experiment" with as many women as they want but they shouldn't "experiment" with lots of men? It is sexist. It is all very very sexist.

These sorts of concepts are the reason I don't like to reveal my own sexuality. I don't want people to assume things of me based on my interests or behaviors or history or future. The fact that sexuality and romantic interest are defined differently, and strictly, is also kind of bullshit. Aromantic, bisexual, homoromantic, asexual, heteroromantic... Who cares!? If you like someone why do you have to base your whole identity around it? And if you include gender it gets even more complicated. 

For example: Can an agender person even have a sex-segregated sexuality? What if they like women sexually but men romantically? What do you call a trans man who likes other trans men? Gay? What if he likes cis men? What about cis people who like hermaphrodidic imagery? Is fury a sexuality? What about asexual aromantics? 

The point is there are as many different sexualities as there are people, but most prefer to be grouped together into generic terms and are happy to fulfill expectations. Unfortunately the more people per group the more crowded and unhappy it can be and thus people create new terms everyday to better describe and understand themselves.

But I think it's bullshit that a bisexual who has never had sex with a man is still less appealing to some than a lesbian who has never had sex with a man.

And I am NOT a "cardboard star" lesbian because I am NOT sexist. I love women. I love men. I love trans* people. I love cis* people. I love queer people and straight people and disabled people and able people and mentally variant people and neurotypicals. I might not be romantically attracted to everyone, nor would I want sex with everyone, but that doesn't mean that I think any gender or any sex or any person is better or worse or cleaner or more gross. 

Honestly I judge how I feel about someone only after I've been around them for some time, and I tell them what I feel without the need to declare some universal sexuality. I shouldn't have to label myself just because I'm not 100% sure about my interest in everyone I see. And if I do use a label one day I don't want it to be challenged based on my history, or their insecurity of my sexual future.

All of this just further makes me want to transition to a man just to shuck the potential for me to be called a lesbian, a "cardboard star" lesbian, a misandrist, a feminazi, or any other extremist, sexist labels. At the same time it makes me want to never again touch a man for fear that I will be thrown out of lesbian circles of all kinds, as if these ideas are the golden standard for lesbian women to aspire to. The whole idea of sex-segregated sex makes me want to curl up into a ball and become a rock. An asexual rock. One without genitalia, so I can't have my sensitive, fleshy samples taken.

Gender Therapy: Day 167 Negotating Relationships, Negotiating Emotions

See Gender Therapy: Day 000 to learn more about my hormone-induced journey of self discovery. 

I expect this post to be up and down, back and forth, conflicting and complex. Maybe it's because I'm human, and maybe you feel this way too, but it will be a roller coaster of a read. Fair warning.

This is a roller coaster. This is how I feel. This is how I think. This is how I feel about other people. This is how other people make me feel. This is how life makes me feel. This is how jobs make me feel. This is how classes make me feel. This is how the future makes me feel, and the past makes me feel, and how I feel right now. When I don't feel this, I feel like I'm waiting for the ride to start again. I'm always in the cart, and I'm always on this roller coaster.

Not many people know this, but this is how I always feel. This is who I am.

Many people don't think that I'm very empathetic, and that I don't know how they feel when they tell me about difficulties in their life. I tend to keep a lot of this introspective knowledge about myself to myself, because I don't want them to think I'm hypersensitive to emotions, or that I'm emotionally unstable.

Here's how investors feel. Maybe they have Bipolar II Disorder.

Honestly I've gone through every emotion in the book, and I have the potential to cycle through this every day, or every other day, but definitely every week, and every month, and absolutely every year.

I feel like I have anniversaries for everything in my life. Every time that I remember something that happened to me in the past, whether it was a major event or a minor event, just the fact that I remember that it happened brings back how I felt about it, and then I feel that way.

That would explain why I am forgetful about a lot of things. I don't want to remember everything that has ever happened to me. I would rather repress most of it and continue pushing forward, feeling and experiencing new things, instead of being held back by the chains of time, feeling everything I've already felt before, cycling through emotions I no longer want to feel.

I don't like to watch movies because I get sucked in to how the characters feel, and I am ashamed at how stupid a lot of them act. They make dumb decisions that put everybody at risk, because of their squishie morality and their negligence to logic or survivalism. I feel stupid about myself because I am a human and I might do something like that. When people bring me to movie theatres they quickly learn what a bad idea it was. I publicly announce when the characters make stupid decisions and what they should have done. This is why people don't think I'm very nice.

Take the movie 2012 for example. SPOILER ALERT: When the family forced open the ship while the whole world was flooding dramatically so that more people could get on, they essentially broke the door. Now the whole ship will flood and everyone on that ship will die. Dumbasses.

I prefer to watch cartoons and shows that don't have such predictable morals so that I can actually enjoy the plot and the message, or the art and and theme, instead of hyperfocusing on how the characters are going about making decisions. Maybe it also has something to do with ADHD.

Visual art is my favorite and I could be completely consumed by an art piece for minutes and hours. Art gallery hopping is one of my favorite activities and I will sit and stare at my favorite piece of the night for a very long time. If I can get away with it I will take a picture of the piece.

I often steal pictures I find online, anything that catches and holds my eye for more than a few minutes. I will make one my desktop picture for months. I have folders and websites full of thousands of these pictures. I revisit them and analyze them for meaning and draw them and recreate them to mean different things. What did the artist want to communicate? Who is the artist? What is their background? What medium did they use? How much did it cost to make? How did they blend these colors? How did they get that texture? What other media are they referencing? What stories influenced them? Which other artists did they interact with? Did they talk to non-artists? Were they inspired by day-to-day life, by a lecture, by a book?

My imagination is a very vivid place. I can be very happy for days about something I think will happen in the future, imagining what a wonderful place life would be when that happens. Sometimes I will be very sad for days thinking about something terrible that has happened, or that might happen.

My dreams are so realistic I toss and turn and sometimes wake up crying to someone who isn't there or jumping out of bed to fight a phantom monster. Sometimes I've called people to ask about why they killed their brother or why they sold their house. Sometimes I carry on in conversation with people and ask for clarification only to say, "Oh sorry, that was just a dream."

I've felt and imagined so many different things I feel like I know what it feels like to be a bear hunter in the arctic circle or a native farmer on New Guinea. I feel like I could easily go through the motions of the Wright Brothers or Marco Polo or Genghis Khan, because I know how they feel. I can imagine what their life is like. I can imagine how they feel. I can imagine how their life was, the joy and excitement and the struggles and the criticism they've received.

I could totally live in Papua New Guinea. I know how they feel.

When I listen to music I usually do so privately. I will be singing my guts out to Evanescence, "Call me when you're Sober", or to Louis Armstrong, "What a Wonderful World". If people knew they would think I'm some kind of depressed. I sing and feel every lyric so intensely and it makes me feel alive. I don't actually think this way, about anyone or anything in particular, I just feel this way. When the song is over the feeling is over.

On a regular basis I prefer to listen to nonsensical music like the Gorillaz or Beck just so that I don't get so caught up in how they feel, because their lyrics don't make any damn sense. For the same reasons I delight in music videos.

I can very easily get overwhelmed by people and don't like to spend too much time with any one person or else by the end of it I will feel exhausted and can't do anything else with myself by the end of the day. This is very aspie of me and it's a real problem. However I love spending time with people and learning about them, getting to know them.

I analyze what person think and how they feel and think about what they've gone through in life and how they've evolved to become the person they are. I like when my friends have very diverse backgrounds so that the evolution is different each time, and unique and new, like my international friends or those who grew up differently than myself. I can cripple myself if I think too hard about it, but I try not to judge them or make them into just an idea. They are still people, very interesting people, but people none-the-less.

I need to interact with people regularly, even if it is for a little while. I need to know that people value me and that they enjoy my company and are willing to set time aside to spend with me. I have to negotiate the amount of time that I spend with people so that I don't get too overwhelmed by them but also so that I have enough time to do other things with my life, like working and keeping my house clean and feeding myself.

I like it best when I can live with people who like me and interact with me. Less travel time and no need to schedule interactions. When I feel loved and cared for and like someone is watching over me on a regular basis, I feel stable and secure. When someone is looking forward to me pursuing important things in my life, like a degree, a job, waiting for me to buy a camera and start freelancing, I feel important. I like telling people about interesting developments in my life and having them support and validate my decisions. This is probably why I like responsibility so much, because I feel like I am a part of something, I feel like I am involved, and I like it when I can meet people's expectations.

I feel most unstable when I feel alone. Loneliness is a poison to me. When someone leaves my life, when they move away or stop visiting with me, when they drop communication or I see them less and less regularly, I feel alone, I feel isolated.

When someone close to me leaves, or even just the thought of them leaving will cause me to freak out. I feel abandoned. Sometimes I cry and scream and think they don't love me. Sometimes I feel like a bad person and deserve to be punished. Sometimes I think they are selfish for thinking they don't need me, sometimes I think I am selfish for thinking they need me. I feel vulnerable and child-like. I don't show this, but I feel this way, and I feel this way out loud when I am alone.

Maybe it's partially due to PTSD, but this is why relationships are difficult. Ideally I want to be close to people, as many people as I can. I want to gobble them up, put them in my life, interact with them regularly, see them often, talk to them, play with them, cry with them, listen to them and help them solve problems in their life. I want to explain myself and how I feel and problem-solve out the kinks in my life, and be an important person to them like they are to me. I want us all to live together in our own unique utopian community, where all my favorite people are and where we all get along. We each have unique skills and thoughts and we can use them to overcome anything, together.

In actuality I don't want anyone to know how screwed up my past was, and I don't want them to hold it against me, and I don't want them to hold me against the person I was in the past and to compare and contrast me with that person. I don't want other people to know my vulnerabilities and to be able to use them against me, I don't want to tell them about all the pending events in my life so that they expect me to complete each task I set out to do. I am reserved.

The reality is I keep a lot of things to myself, including how I feel and think about everything. I seem unconcerned and distracted and busy all the time. I am not home most of the time and I am off pursuing opportunities, keeping appointments, out on friend dates and responding to emails and setting up new dates. I am running errands and grocery shopping, I am price checking things I want to buy and things I don't want to buy and comparing what my life would be like with these things vs without them. I am independent.

I don't want people to expect me to always be there, that is selfish. I don't want people to always expect me to fix their problems, or to fix the drain, or to always be able to afford groceries or to always be happy and available. That is unrealistic. I don't always feel as strong as people think I am, and I don't always feel as competent as people expect me to be, and I don't want them to know this about me, and I don't want their undying confidence in my abilities to ever subside.

I am afraid to tell people about myself, afraid that they won't trust the things that I say, because I say and think and feel differently every time I speak, and every time they will ask me about something they will get a different answer. This scares me and I rarely take the things I think and feel seriously. I doubt that anyone takes me seriously and I don't doubt it if they actually don't think I'm a serious person. I try to hold back from talking about conflicting ideas and when I do so successfully, I am able to have strong and important professional relationships. When I don't, they fall apart and I have to move on.

In my close relationships there is more flexibility and it's okay if I don't have only one-sided answers to give. Many people appreciate that I have complex analytically abilities, that I can listen to their own complicated situations and lives and feelings and smooth it out to find the things that are most important to them. People like that I have crystal clarity when it comes to their lives. I look like some kind of psychologist, as if I have been doing this for years. Close friends trust and confide in me, strangers ask me to figure out if they are gay or if they should pursue a relationship (this stuff really happens).

The truth is that not everyone wants to hear my two cents however and if I bust out my overwhelming thoughts on the wrong person they will run away screaming from me (this has really happened too).

The truth is that I know this and I have to be careful with whom I articulate my ideas. I feel like every person I know I need to create completely different communication skills with, and I have to talk about specific things with them. Some of my friends I can't talk about trans* things with, other friends I can't talk about videography with, still other people don't want to hear about my travel plans or my blog or my fantasy girlfriend.

Negotiating relationships is hard. It is hard enough that it takes me a while to get comfortable to people. It takes weeks and months before I trust them enough to reveal anything about me. Usually my relationships start out very one-sided, me listening in on their story, them trusting me every step of the way. Usually they talk more than I do, and I really don't mind.

It takes me seconds to make friends but weeks to keep them and months to find time to interact with them regularly. I meet a lot of people and I want to keep them all, but I can't always. For this I am glad to have Facebook. I usually see my closest friends but only once a week, sometimes twice a week, and my most interesting friends maybe once a month, or every two months.

It takes me months to get the guts to date someone and months more until I feel confident enough to tell them how I feel about things. This is challenging because most people want to be friends instantly, and many people want to become best friends in a short amount of time, and a lot of the time people are impatient about romance and sex and want it to go flawlessly and think something's wrong if it takes too much time.

For the people I do succeed to connect with, I tend to put priority levels on them. The most important people are the ones who give me money, or people who love me. I tend to put work above everybody but I will skip work if somebody needs me. I do whatever I can for these people. 

It would be best if I could schedule everybody into my life, but a lot of people are not good at keeping appointments, and some people don't even like texting or calling. I have to approach everyone on their own terms and communicate with them how they like to communicate. 

In the mean time I keep up with people through Facebook; even if I can't hang out with them or get to know them in person I can still know about them. I may not be confident enough to hang out with them or have any time to travel and see them, but I'm still interested in knowing them.

Unfortunately this means a lot of my close relationships are one-sided, meaning people are confiding in me. For other people it feels one-sided in that I am only interested in them, such as when dates are canceled or calls aren't returned, and my only communication with them is through a Facebook wall. A lot of my relationships are also maintained over long periods of time, and we can't interact on a regularly basis as I would like. This makes me feel like my own problems are very complex and that my own needs are very demanding, and that no body cares to accommodate me. I feel like no one has the patience for me, and like I have no time for other people, and that people aren't interested in me.

Oftentimes I isolate myself because of this.

Usually when I feel so overwhelmed thinking about the fact that no body likes me I try to reach out to people, to go through and respond to old emails, to call people I know will talk to me, or to go through their Facebook to see what I've missed.

For other intense emotional fits I turn my attention inward to focus on what the problem might be. Am I hungry? Am I tired? Am I lonely? Am I bored?

If none of the above I ball myself in my room and go about solving these universal problems for the world. I go through the ups and down, the pros and cons, I feel intense and helpless and hopeful and powerful and pathetic and willful and watch inspirational videos and listen to whiny repetitive music and then nonsensical music and I'm eating chocolate and snacks and trying to stay hydrated. When I am done I bust out of my room and continue on with my life and tell the first person I meet about the grand ideas I have, the solutions to my problems and the amazing things I am going to do with my life. I am drenched in confidence and no one has the will to put me down.

This is how I go through life.

If you don't get this you should see Jane Mcgonigal and then play the game.

In case you haven't noticed I do feel very insecure right now, and this is why I wrote this post in a pretty short amount of time. Just the other month ago I made a pass at a pretty lady. Since then she has had reservations about my age and does not speak to me very regularly. We went on two dates in less than a week and she hasn't talked to me since. I don't know how she feels but it's driving me nuts whether or not she wants to continue with this relationship.

I feel very insecure about a lot of things right now and I am trying not to lash out at people or overwhelm them because of it. It makes me feel insecure too that I can't share my overwhelming thoughts with people and get crystal clear results, and it makes me feel insecure that I might hurt other people with my own thoughts. I am not a mean, hateful, malicious person, just someone with complex thought patterns. I am not too busy and disinterested and antisocial, I am just trying to prioritize my life so that I can accomplish difficult things and spend time with meaningful people as often as I can.

Feeling so emotionally unstable it makes me feel like I should get more emotionally stable friends. While I'm at it I should find more emotionally mature friends, so that they can be the ones to analyze my thoughts and find the most important things I feel. I also miss having a regular community of mentors and teachers and people who know more about things than I do, like I had when I was in school, and like I imagined this household to be. I want these kinds of people to interact with regularly so that I don't feel like such a child wandering in the dark, alone and scared.