Unwritten Rules of Gender Part 2: Behavior and Communication

Gender Therapy Day: 199

See Gender Therapy: Day 000 to learn more about my hormone-induced journey of self discovery. 

"When a man focuses on the content level of meaning after a woman has disclosed a problem, she may feel he is disregarding her emotions and concerns. He, on the other hand, may well be trying to support her in the way that he has learned to show support – suggesting ways to solve the problem." (source)

Unwritten Rules of Gender Part 2: Behavior and Communication.

See Unwritten Rules of Gender Part 1 to hear about Identity.

I have been meaning to write about gender and communication for months now and finally I feel like I have the words with which to articulate how complicated communication can be in regards to gender.

For the past few months I have had trouble communicating with my roommate. With the addition of a new sublet our relationship began to deteriorate. What I thought I was observing was her crumbling under the stress of a new, incompatible personality into her intimate space, and that I was attempting to be helpful by offering suggestions. In reality it was me not validating her during this experience, which was stressing her out more than the original stressor of having a new roommate. All she wanted all this time was for her experience to be acknowledged and for her efforts to be appreciated, and all I did was make her feel like I was blaming her for the whole situation.

In short: I'm not very good at validation, and I am pushy about my advice.

We broke down and had a successful heart-to-heart last night thanks to her having suggested I look into reading about "non-violent communication". After a few weeks of practicing the structure and looking for key words which reveal someone's emotional state, I ended up learning how very, very incompatible my own natural communication style is with other people, specifically females. (Not to be stereotypical, but gendered communication is ingrained in us. Read on, I promise it gets better.)

All my life I have been a very confident, fearless individual. I spoke my mind and used direct language. Growing up I was my mother's "star child" and she and other adults fed me innumerable cliches about how I will accomplish much in life and how I will go far and wide. My ambitions and strong traits were encouraged at home and also at school.

At the same time my superiors found me obnoxious, inappropriate, and lacking common sense. I wasn't the average heteronormative, Christian, middle class kid, and my problems were assumed to be associated with poverty, or a high intellect. I didn't have mentors who could show me the ropes or guide me and correct my behavior. All anybody saw of me was an ambitious young person who shouldn't be discouraged or distracted from my goals. They figured it would be my lack of monetary resources that would hold me back in life, not my shitty interpersonal skills.

I somehow navigated my way out of childhood with a sort of clumsy method of communication that emphasized a concise and business-oriented style. With my confidence I was mistaken for a leader and was encouraged to pursue leadership positions. Unfortunately my boldness was not always helpful in resolving conflict or connecting with club members. In many situations people thought I was heartless and out of touch. When told not to listen to naysayers I learned to blame others for their inability to communicate with me instead of looking at myself critically or recognizing my bad traits. My peers no longer trusted me to empathize with them or to be a diplomatic representative of their cause. I was an individualist, a freelancer, a drifter, and alone.

Because of this I tumbled out into the world as an adolescent largely misunderstood and left out of intimate conversations. What I found however, was that I was great at networking and establishing shallow relationships. Very solution-oriented, I listened to problems and offered solutions. I suggested ideas in groups and mingled with a variety of successful people. I succeeded to land jobs and internships, all based on a good first impression.

I think this has a lot to do with gender because professional communication in this society is based on male speech patterns and I had met that basic standard. I identified more and more with men and their personalities that over time I described my personality and presented myself as more "masculine", and it worked. I recognized that I had a very male-oriented way of thinking and interaction.

The typical male's style of communication in the society I live in is described as being utilitarian, geared towards accomplishing objectives and getting to the point of the conversation. Men interact with the intention of maintaining their status and controlling themselves. The communication style is more direct, interruptions are not uncommon, and examples are used in general terms. Feedback is not always necessary and emotional responses are often inappropriate. If another man is asked for advice this raises their status. In bullet format:

	status and control – give advice
	instrumentality – the use of speech to accomplish objectives (discover facts, get information, and suggest solutions)
	conversational command – men tend to talk more and at greater length than women (in most circumstances)
	men are more likely to interrupt to exert control than women
	direct and assertive
	more abstract than feminine speech (men often speak in general terms that are removed from concrete experiences and distanced from personal feelings)
	less emotionally responsive than feminine speech patterns (men, more often than women, give minimal response cues)

These and heteronormative styles of gendered communication can be found here. (Disclaimer: Not all masculine identified individuals match these styles of communication. While heterosexuals and the associated binary culture are common, they are no longer the norm. The standards and definition of masculinity are changing dramatically.)

This whole list typifies my communication style almost perfectly, which further enforces my longing for being recognized as masculine and for transitioning. However this list does nothing for me when I am perceived as female and thus expected to interact in a very different manner. All I succeed to do is confuse people. I seem "antisocial", "awkward", "aggressive", "uncultured", and "intimidating". I am a "weird girl", and not to be trusted. It hurts my relationship building skills with heterosexual men I wish to befriend and interested women I wish to pursue.

As a child I can see when these patterns were being formed. In elementary school I was annoying and energetic. I was a big kid, smart and quick and reckless, but I didn't listen very closely to "no" and "stop" and ended up accidentally hurting others. That was okay with the boys, but the girls thought I was aggressive and avoided me.

Because of this I was never properly socialized as a girl. I didn't get the chance to develop my feminine social skills, and I was lost when it came time for me to grow up and be a woman. I knew I was very different from other girls, but they rejected me, and I resented that.

At some point I regarded their motives and social activities as stupid and pointless. Uncomfortable clothing, expensive accessories, lengthy sessions in front of mirrors, for what? To enhance your appearance to attract boys? Emotional, lengthy conversations, for what? To strengthen relationships with equally annoying girls?

In my childhood I didn't have examples of successful women, only overly sexualized and emotionally unstable stereotypes. I didn't see women in heterosexual relationships who had ambitious goals outside of family building. I concluded that if this was what femininity was about, then to hell with being a sexual object! I wanted nothing to do with female culture! (Mind you this was my childhood experience and not representative of my educated opinions or later experiences. I know there are heterosexual, feminine women leaders and professional mothers in real life.)

I gave up on fitting it. I just focused on being myself and establishing myself in the professional world. I didn't focus on gender but instead carved out respect with my assertive communication style. I rejected and corrected people's expectations of me based on my assumed gender and pushed forward. Mastering being an emotional creature was not important to meeting my goals and I thought feminine speech patterns inhibited me in the professional world.

Unfortunately in the world of interpersonal communication my masculine pattern of communication only continued to make it difficult to establish relationships. In recent years women still don't feel comfortable around me. I am often very concise in my verbage and don't connect with them on a deep level. This is a major source of frustration for me when it comes to making friends and having relationships. It's difficult enough to find women who get along with me, but more so women who are interested in me.

Sometimes men who approach me find my communication style brutal and clumsy, but I usually have an easier time diving into a conversation and establishing a friendship. Unfortunately often times I can't be too close or they fall for me. In my adolescence these relationships were mistaken for romance. Only recently did I realize this was a problem in communication and not a problem with me.

Looking at myself now I feel like there is a large chasm of communication skills that I need to fill. People to this day regard me as tactless. While that helps point out that there is something wrong, this tells me nothing about what I should be working on, or how to go about it, or which ways are correct and appropriate, and which ways are offensive and disrespectful.

With a sense of desperation and drudgery I turned to my gender therapist with the "non-violent communication" material my roommate suggested I read about. They then gave me a worksheet to practice and I've been on it for weeks. Practicing the conversation structure and looking for key words as to how others express themselves. Ultimately it comes down to listening passionately to what is being said and to look for opportunities to contribute.

Speaking with my roommate with compassion and understanding for the first time in months I recognized that this pattern of communication works and makes people comfortable. It gives them the space they need to articulate themselves. These patterns are also similar to feminine styles of communication, which makes sense that it is something I have to practice and which does not come naturally to me. It was also something that was unattractive to me in childhood, but something that I need to work on, now more than ever.

For women, communication is crucial for building relationships. It is the basic method through which they maintain relationships and it is means for sharing information about themselves to understand one another. It is also vitally important in relating to one another, comforting one another, and empathizing. Having personal anecdotes in discussion implies credibility and mastery. Being responsive is very important in conversation as is maintaining eye contact and encouraging each other to extend the conversation is a sign of acceptance and builds deep connections. In bullet format:

	show support for others. Communicators often express feelings of sympathy and understanding. The relationship level of talk focuses on feelings and on the relationship between the communicators rather than the content of the message.
	questions that probe for greater understanding of feelings and perceptions surrounding the subject of the talk
	maintenance work” which involves efforts to sustain conversation by inviting others to speak
	responsiveness (eye contact, nod or say, “tell me more” or “that’s interesting.”)
	a concrete, real style (details, personal disclosures)
	tentativeness (tentative communication leaves the door open for others to respond)

From the same website above. (Disclaimer: Ideally communication is the key to all relationships, regardless of gender. While it is common for feminine identifying individuals to develop unique communication styles specifically to empathize and maintain relationships, not all women communicate in the same way or for the same reasons. The standards and definition of femininity are changing dramatically.)

What I have learned through studying non-violent communication is my communication style is largely incompatible with most women, and also with many men. My communication style has always been based on content when instead I should be focused on context. Instead of using conversation as a form of entertainment or a tool for productivity, I should instead use it as a way to learn about other people and build relationships.

Not every conversation I will have with someone needs to have a topic and a well endowed range of information. Not every person is looking for my expertise on a subject or cares to hear my advice stacked with statistics. Sometimes when people come to me they are seeking to vent and want to hear validation. Sometimes they just want to be heard and understood and have their existence recognized.

If I were seeking to establish a connection with someone I could contribute something interesting and encourage them to speak more about themselves. I could ask about them and be more responsive to their stories. I could be more supportive of their ideas instead of critical. I could stop suggesting expansive new paradigms and start listening to their own unique development. I could stop psychoanalyzing them and just listen to their own perspective of themselves and their lives.

I have always had a long-term plan for my life, and often relentlessly pursue opportunities for advancement, but in the long-term relationships are arguably the most important aspect of building a satisfying life. No matter how engaging of a task I am completing or how amazing a career I have, if I can't develop fulfilling relationships I will only feel lonely and empty in life.

Am I getting a little too existentialist here? My point is that I stink at communication sometimes, which means I stink worse at relationships, and that in order to be myself I need to be less focused on being masculine and more focused on learning how to communicate with other people, of all sexes.