Yesterday marked the date of my last visit to the clinic for my hormonal birth control research shtick. I gave four vials of blood, my last three month's worth of sexual history, and two samples of my cervix. They also tried to collect a sample of my endometrium (read: uterus) but failed to and I asked them to stop trying. Apparently the lining of my uterus thins as being on hormonal birth control prevents one from being pregnant while their body thinks they're already pregnant. However their attempt was exceptionally painful and put me into shock, as it did the previous two times.
I don't think painful gives the experience enough justice. It was a feeling of violation and then all of a sudden the instrument inside of you bites you and your muscles spasm into a cramp and you close your legs and turn white and nearly faint because ouch. Just short of traumatic.
Anyway, it was intense and I don't want to do that ever again; for the same reason I don't want to give bone marrow. I love helping other people but not at the risk of my own physical health and autonomy. Not even for painful seconds worth of torture. I'm not that kind of person.
So I gave my samples, got paid and got the hell out of there. The moments passed quickly, I was out in under two hours instead of the usual four. I treated myself to some Chinese food before work and then I recounted how I told them I hadn't had sex in over a month. The last time I did, it was wonderful and beautiful but I was thinking about somebody else.
About a month ago I succeeded to have a date with a beautiful older women. I thought about her for days on end. Then she stopped talking to me and I freaked and felt insecure about all the things I am not and all the people I don't have in my life and all the judgement I have ever received about my sexuality. Well no wonder I'm not getring laid. Who wants to have sex with an emotionally insecure spazz?
The weeks following my usual cuddle buddy had more important things to do than to invite me over for a few hours of distracting escapism. They are in the middle of moving forward with major life changes and need to focus on themselves and the things that they need. At first it hurt to feel like I wasn't as important, but at the same time I too need to change things up and move forward with my life. I want to find a romantic partner, someone I can build a life together with instead of escape life together with.
Actually it felt more like losing a best friend. That's harder to deal with, but I need more friends anyway. I am a lot more mentally active in the spring and summer than one person can handle.
Somewhere during that month I talked about wanting to be abstinent again and about how liberating it was to not think of myself as a sexual creature who needs sex to be healthy or happy. They didn't believe me at first but that's definitely what happened over time. I also spoke about my dating experience with a "golden star" lesbian and they succeeded in challenging my sexuality by calling me a "cardboard star" lesbian because of my history with guys.
"Golden star" lesbian is the title given to a lesbian woman who has never has sex with a man. It is a rare occurrence and they hold onto this title with a sense of accomplishment and pride. However, thinking critically about it, the whole "golden star" lesbian superiority complex is incredibly sexist. There are groups of lesbian women who are misandrists who hate men, sure, but there are also groups of lesbians who judge an rank other lesbians for their past, and sometimes even present.
The title of a "golden star" lesbian disqualifies anyone who has touched men or identifies as a man. It disqualifies lesbians who once identified as bisexual, lesbians who once identified as straight, sexual assault victims, anyone who has or once had male genitalia or who identifies or once identified as a man, such as trans* people, and it also disqualifies partners of trans* people.
Basically this concept enforces the ideal standard of a lesbian as being a biological female who has never been sexual with a man. That is extremely sexist! When asked why they never tried, they might say, "Ew! No Way! Dicks are gross!" However it doesn't matter how raunchy the women they have slept with could have been. The lesbian who has had sex with drunken women with caked on makeup who puked all over themselves and couldn't utilize their bowels in a clean manner could be a "golden star", but the woman who once touched a wiener in college is not eligible? Also the first scenario is gross.
Basically this concept enforces the ideal standard of a lesbian as being a biological female who has never been sexual with a man. That is extremely sexist! When asked why they never tried, they might say, "Ew! No Way! Dicks are gross!" However it doesn't matter how raunchy the women they have slept with could have been. The lesbian who has had sex with drunken women with caked on makeup who puked all over themselves and couldn't utilize their bowels in a clean manner could be a "golden star", but the woman who once touched a wiener in college is not eligible? Also the first scenario is gross.
What is wrong with having sex with men? Why are they so "icky"? Why are they somehow less sexually desirable? Why is it wrong to find them sexually desirable?
Why can a woman have sex with as many women as they want but not a man? In fact this sort of discrimination applies to men too. Bisexual men are looked down upon, and gay men too, because having sex with men is "icky". Why can a man have sex with as many woman as they want but not another man? Women are looked down upon as well when they have sex with men, such as before marriage, or when they get divorced, or when they have sex with more than one man. Why can a straight women "experiment" with as many women as they want but they shouldn't "experiment" with lots of men? It is sexist. It is all very very sexist.
These sorts of concepts are the reason I don't like to reveal my own sexuality. I don't want people to assume things of me based on my interests or behaviors or history or future. The fact that sexuality and romantic interest are defined differently, and strictly, is also kind of bullshit. Aromantic, bisexual, homoromantic, asexual, heteroromantic... Who cares!? If you like someone why do you have to base your whole identity around it? And if you include gender it gets even more complicated.
For example: Can an agender person even have a sex-segregated sexuality? What if they like women sexually but men romantically? What do you call a trans man who likes other trans men? Gay? What if he likes cis men? What about cis people who like hermaphrodidic imagery? Is fury a sexuality? What about asexual aromantics?
The point is there are as many different sexualities as there are people, but most prefer to be grouped together into generic terms and are happy to fulfill expectations. Unfortunately the more people per group the more crowded and unhappy it can be and thus people create new terms everyday to better describe and understand themselves.
But I think it's bullshit that a bisexual who has never had sex with a man is still less appealing to some than a lesbian who has never had sex with a man.
And I am NOT a "cardboard star" lesbian because I am NOT sexist. I love women. I love men. I love trans* people. I love cis* people. I love queer people and straight people and disabled people and able people and mentally variant people and neurotypicals. I might not be romantically attracted to everyone, nor would I want sex with everyone, but that doesn't mean that I think any gender or any sex or any person is better or worse or cleaner or more gross.
Honestly I judge how I feel about someone only after I've been around them for some time, and I tell them what I feel without the need to declare some universal sexuality. I shouldn't have to label myself just because I'm not 100% sure about my interest in everyone I see. And if I do use a label one day I don't want it to be challenged based on my history, or their insecurity of my sexual future.
All of this just further makes me want to transition to a man just to shuck the potential for me to be called a lesbian, a "cardboard star" lesbian, a misandrist, a feminazi, or any other extremist, sexist labels. At the same time it makes me want to never again touch a man for fear that I will be thrown out of lesbian circles of all kinds, as if these ideas are the golden standard for lesbian women to aspire to. The whole idea of sex-segregated sex makes me want to curl up into a ball and become a rock. An asexual rock. One without genitalia, so I can't have my sensitive, fleshy samples taken.
All of this just further makes me want to transition to a man just to shuck the potential for me to be called a lesbian, a "cardboard star" lesbian, a misandrist, a feminazi, or any other extremist, sexist labels. At the same time it makes me want to never again touch a man for fear that I will be thrown out of lesbian circles of all kinds, as if these ideas are the golden standard for lesbian women to aspire to. The whole idea of sex-segregated sex makes me want to curl up into a ball and become a rock. An asexual rock. One without genitalia, so I can't have my sensitive, fleshy samples taken.
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