I am about to embark on a hormone-induced journey of self discovery. No, I am not transitioning. I have signed up for a research study that involves taking contraceptives, of which I have chosen the birth control group. I will be on estrogen for the next six months, and I am very interested to see how it affects me, my body, and my life.
I am looking forward to the changes that will happen during this time; this boost in estrogen has the ability to change my mood, my desires, my physique, to change the way I want to be perceived and ultimately, to change my perception of gender.
Since I’ve returned from traveling abroad I’ve settled into the ambivert that I am, calm and patient with others, ambitious and animated with myself, and wistful within my own quiet world. I know who I am, and I know what I like, and I live freely to learn and explore other definitions. The thing that I have not yet resolved exactly is what gender am I supposed to be?
To date I prefer androgynous casual, masculine business. I have been cutting my own hair since middle school. (Some sources say I’ve preferred short hair since I was five.) I am not trans as I do not feel that I am in the wrong body. In fact I love my feminine features, I just hate being a woman. I severely dislike the reproductive expectations, the sexual repression, the assumptions of my thoughts and desires, and all other social limitations placed on me due to my genitalia. I am strong, and smart, and confident, and I don’t appreciate being preferred as a mute sex object.
I have budding theories about testosterone-to-estrogen ratios and their effects on human anatomy and gender identity. I also hypothesize that my strong personality traits are due to some abundance of testosterone, something I will one day formally test. In taking birth control pills the worst that will happen is that I will become a bitchy, boring, heteronormative girlie girl with a slighted liver. The best is that I will be more emotional and intense, and might resolve my gender ambiguity.
I approach this research study with burning questions not only about my own gender but about a personality I’ve long dismissed. Will I grow out my hair and dress more feminine? Will I wear makeup? Will I like boys more than girls? Will my libido go into overdrive and break my sexual abstinence? I’m also undoubtedly curious about the potential to act, feel, maybe even be more stereotypically feminine. Will my debates turn into gossip? Will I lose my interest in math? Will I dislike sweating? Will my voice get higher? Will I smell better? Will I want children? Will I enjoy baking and cleaning? Will I cry?
There are so many answers and more questions that I will have throughout this experiment, and I look forward to each new discovery. Unfortunately I could not receive the pills today as I had hoped, since I was misinformed about the silicone menstrual cup that I indeed cannot use in their study. Instead I am delayed until my next ovulation cycle, sans cup, at the end of October. And then, over the next six months I will have the same hormonal cycles as a pregnant woman. Bon voyage!
