Gender Roles and Relationships

See Gender Therapy: Day 000 to learn more about my hormone-induced journey of self discovery. 


Gender Therapy: Day 000

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First a disclaimer: Traditional male and female roles are becoming a thing of the past, however I will be openly acknowledging the existence of such roles on a case-by-case basis. I do not expect every relationship to have a man and a woman, or 'top' and a 'bottom'. Not my cup of tea.
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I have been single for a couple of years now and I sometimes wonder why. I have on and off been actively seeking a non-hetero-male partner, but the ladies whom shared coffee and museums with never seemed to click with me, and I haven't yet run into any trans* folk I found attractive, in more than one way. My criterion is pretty simple, someone I find physically attractive and also mentally stimulating, who can make time at least once a week to visit with. (The rest we can figure out later.) However not all three of these traits have yet been found in the same person.

I often reflect on my past experiences, those with heteronormative males, and I found that the biggest flaw in each one was the(ir) social expectations of me as a female. I never felt feminine therefore I did not act feminine, speak feminine, think feminine, and rarely had I ever dressed feminine. The only feminine trait is that I do have curves and genitals and all that. Oh, and I like shoes.

My ex-boyfriends had all taken on the male role, which I always felt uncomfortable about because I enjoyed being the one to plan dates, pay for outings, initiate intimacy, and all other predominantly male roles. However they had expected me to accept and enjoy their date suggestions, accept their payment for outings, submit to their intimacy initiations in addition to dressing pretty, or sexy, regularly, and all other predominantly female roles. I felt these expectations on me were always very uncomfortable and I always 'made them look bad' in front of their parents and peers. I can say with confidence that this discomfort contributed to all of the breakups. I never felt like myself.

The limited experiences I did have with hetero-women I found much more comfortable in because they had let me be 'the man' in some way or another. I enjoyed initiating, I enjoyed paying for dates, and I enjoyed being the listener instead of the talker, especially when my limited words were seen as validating.

Lately I have been thinking about my fellow female friend's experiences with women whom she did not necessarily get along with. Before long I had begun wondering if they didn't work because of confused gender roles, for example if they were both attempting the female role and if the male role was neglected, if they spoke over one another and didn't listen to each other, or if there was just too much possessive (if not clingy) behavior that made the relationship miserable. I wish not to pass judgement on my dear friend but these are things that I like to ponder.

The idea that all relationships must have a top and a bottom is absurd, but I do know that the best relationships are the ones where the individuals are both similar and compatible, but different enough and accommodating. The fact that I have not yet had a relationship where I felt I could really be myself, that is, the undefined queer that I am, is concerning to me and makes me feel like I have never met someone who was willing to accommodate me. After all, at the end of the day, you want to feel like you are accepted by and belong with the person you sleep next to.

In the end it makes me feel like if only I would subscribe to a gender role it would be easier to date me me (or for me to date), because then I would have a clear set of expectations I could conform to and thus satisfy the social expectations of a relationship. At least, this logic makes sense based on my past experiences with relationships.